


When Beaux Met Elijah

by Legfrog



Category: Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-10 20:12:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19514425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legfrog/pseuds/Legfrog
Summary: A story about drug addiction being cured and the aftermath of it.





	When Beaux Met Elijah

PROLOGUE  
Beaux and Elijah came from opposite backgrounds. Beaux’s favorite grandmother had just passed away due to a pill addiction and it had changed her. While just graduating high school as a shoo in for a major college or university, her future was bright. She was a tall woman with brown eyes, thin lips and wavy long black hair. She always had warmth in her presence. She always smiled. But this day was not hers. It was her grandmother’s. Standing in the hospital room she stared at her grandmother. Immediately she realized that her grandmother was unable to speak. The Nurses had connected her to numerous tubes and the look in her eyes was one of powerlessness. She stared at Beaux silently. Beaux walked over to her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She tried to speak but it seemed saying the words would only make the reality of the situation much worse. Unable to speak her grandmother looked up at her as her eyes brimmed with tears. A mixture of pain and panic swept across her face. Al the while something was happening to Beaux. She looked at her grandmother realizing this miserable and pathetic state she was in was the last time was she would ever see her “Mawmaw” as she called her growing up. This was it. Beaux didn’t judge her but something else was happening to her. Whatever innocence was left from the growing pains of puberty on through high school and her teenage social life was dying right along with her Mawmaw. One day she would end up hopeless like this. She hoped that for her, the ending would not be as rough as it was for the woman who helped shape the young woman in front of her. “I love you Mawmaw I…”, she faltered for a moment. “I’m not mad at you. You don’t need to be sad. I’m still little Beaux.”, she said. Her lips quivered as doubt consumed her words. “ I love you. You know that. I drove out of state to get here and I was super safe. You would have been proud.” She managed to keep it together as her grandmother’s eyes were now flowing with tears. Her grandmother tried to speak again but the futility came on full force. Beaux had no idea what to do. She sat in silence for a moment gently holding her Mawmaw’s hand. Suddenly the lump forming in her throat couldn’t be swallowed anymore. The flood of memories and emotions shared with the older woman was becoming too much to fight. She broke and cried as hard as she ever cried before while still holding her grandmother’s hand. The decision to leave became a decision to not make this any more difficult on her grandmother than it already was. She sniffled and wiped her tears. She regained her composure for a short moment, long enough to look her grandmother in the eyes and tell her that she loved her. Beaux gave her one last kiss and embraced her. She slowly left the room. She never spoke about her grandmother, the pain was too real. Too much of a display of the macabre in it’s most insensitive form. What she did do was try to avenge her death. In her eyes nature had no business making these chemical interactions possible for people to become addicted to in the first place. Nature had become an enemy in her eyes. One she vowed to defeat. This is the story of when Beaux met Elijah. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome.” She paused patiently and waited for the noise to die down. “My name is Beaux Madelyn. I welcome you all to the Bernard Hopkins Institute of Neurology.” She tried her best to give a warm and confident smile. She had no interest in impressing stockholders and the politicians behind funding the research that would she would soon announce to the world. She focused herself and gazed at the audience. “My team and I have been working diligently for the last 4 years to be able to make this announcement. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have cured drug addition.” The small crowd of reporters, shareholders, fellow scientists and a few politicians applauded her. She expected that their findings would be welcomed of course but there is so much more to this announcement. She took a deep breath. “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion to be sure, however there is so much more involved than a simple cure. In order for the transition into an addiction free society to be graceful our patients must have immediate treatment for mental illness. Our research shows most of those fighting drug addition also battle with mental illness. As it stands, and I say this with all due respect for those who work tirelessly day in and day out with people who are affected by mental illness, we must do more to significantly improve our mental healthcare system. We need absolute, maximum participation from our citizens as well as support from every branch of government to make this happen.” She sighed heavily. “Before we continue on to demonstrate how this medicine works I must ask everyone in attendance tonight and watching this broadcast wherever you are, please take this very seriously and approach this with great sympathy.”  
Beaux stepped away from the podium and stood at the edge of the stage to put herself in their direct view. “ The science behind the discovery.” The projection screen dropped from above. Slides appeared on the screen as Beaux explained their work. “When looking at the web of neurons in the brains of addicts you can see that the brain’s reward system had been reset by use of it, giving them rewarding feelings for taking the drug. This of course is not a brand new discovery. We have long since been aware of the mesolimbic dopamine pathways. However, by looking further into this I had an epiphany.” Beaux paused to pull her audience further. “What if? What if there was a way to reset the brain’s mesolimbic dopamine pathways to their default settings? What if they could go back to before the addiction started? My team and I began researching how to remove all of the toxins from the brain that come from drug use that activate the dopamine response. We knew we were on to something. We worked long hours, we took second mortgages due to poor funding.” She mentioned with a cheeky grin. “With all the sacrifices we have made came success. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you Jaxon Dewith.”  
The picture on the projection screen changed from images of neurotransmitters flitting about to the image of a 57 year old man. His face was weathered from decades of hard work. There was nothing about him that would lead you to believe he was ever anything but an ordinary blue collar plumber. “Mr. Dewith came to us looking for help. He was deeply addicted to heroin and was on the verge of ending his life due to his addiction. His main goal was to save his family from being torn apart by his addiction. He was miraculously able to function and at a pretty high level for the typical addict. He was able to fully support his children into their adulthood. His marriage and his health however, were taking the brunt and were both failing. “ The next slide featured a happier healthier looking man and a small blonde woman smiling happily.   
The room erupted in applause. Beaux shook her head. “You see it is possible to reset the nucleus accumbens within the brain so it goes back to what it was before the addiction started. The patient would no longer crave the drug that is destroying them. Shortly after Mr. Dewith was administered the cure he began having seizures that we were powerless to stop. Mr. Dewith collapsed and we then, experienced tragedy. Only a few minutes after taking the cure Jaxon Dewith passed away due to complications from physical withdrawal. We were of course devastated. Learning what caused his death was very difficult. Our team had difficulty in dealing with the loss. We were asking ourselves, is this too dangerous for us to continue? Were we close enough to keep testing? How many more people will die before we perfect the cure? Would the result still be worth the sacrifice of a human life? Mr. Dewith came seeking help in secret so we were not able to report to his family the condition in which he passed away. His wife Jamie Dewith found us. She realized that his death was not a result of something malicious. Mr. Dewitn wanted to rid himself of the addiction that was ruining his life. Mrs. Dewith realized his sacrifice and understood that by continuing research and perfecting the cure we could save so many and her dear husband would not die in vain. We decided with the encouragement of Mrs. Dewith we would continue.” Beaux nodded at Mrs. Dewith, seated in the front row, acknowledging her contribution.  
The projector changed slides to feature a woman who appeared to be in her 30’s. She looked like a woman who had made too many bad decisions. Beaux looked up at the screen. “I remember meeting this woman and thinking how much better things might be for her if the cure worked for her. “Ladies and Gentlemen this is Aubrey Sampson. Ms. Sampson was addicted to crack cocaine and heroin for 4 years before she came to us. She was a crude and irritable mess of a person to be quite honest. She arrived in a car with bullet holes, and had scabs littering her arms and legs. We administered the cure to her and watched her as her state of being changed. We ran tests and talked to her. We documented the change in her personality as the cure worked its way through her. There were no signs of physical distress this time. She responded to the cure the way we had hoped. After we were satisfied with the results from the preliminary tests from after the medication was given, we decided to release her. Once she had left the results of her blood tests came back.” The projector clicked and changed slides. “This is the blood work for Ms. Sampson. As you can see on the left the content of crack cocaine in her bloodstream is extremely high. That was before the cure was administered to her. On the right you can see the drug is not active in her bloodstream. We also found 2 empty vials of crack cocaine where her car was previously parked. The key difference in the cure working for Mr. Dewith versus Ms. Sampson is that she was very intoxicated at it the time the cure was given. She had gone to great lengths to disguise the physical signs from us, wearing select contact lenses to hide pupil dilation and aside form the many scars, was done up beautifully with make-up. Ms. Sampson had gone against our policy to be sober during treatment but her deception helped us. We learned the cure is safe and effective when taken with the drug the patient is addicted to.” She stopped as the crowd began to murmur about her statement. She gave them a moment to formulate their thoughts before she continued.   
Beaux’s assistant brought a case to the podium and set it gently on top. She opened the case and removed a small vial of powder. “Ladies and Gentlemen, Webwax.” She held the vial up so that all would be able to see it. “Waxing the neurological webbings of the brain and removing the addiction is exactly what it was named for. We learned that we can remove the physical side effects of drug addiction but we found that it does not help cure any part of mental illness that may have come from the drug addiction or any that existed before the addiction started.” The projection screen went black and the lights focused on the stage again. “We never saw Aubrey again after that day. We did learn that a few weeks after she was cured Ms. Sampson committed suicide by jumping to her death at a bridge in her hometown. Authorities stated she screamed “it just means I have to die twice now!” before ending her life. Without being able to conduct further studies with Ms. Sampson I can only speculate that her brain was still adjusting to this surreal state of mind. I would say that she most likely had many bad experiences in her life that had become much more vivid and were now tormenting her mind with fresh intensity.” Beaux stepped forward. “I could go into great detail about the release of this substance but it is rather dull and long winded to say the least. I will however leave you with something that has motivated me throughout my career.”  
“Ladies and Gentlemen, if the world were to end right now, whatever that means to you. Whether it means that the planet explodes, society crumbles, or civilization becomes impossible to continue for whatever reason. If that were ever to happen, in my heart I understand that nothing would care. Nothing would mourn our loss. It is the same with any other death on this earth. As a matter of fact I think its incredibly obvious with the daily struggle the human condition is in with relation to its personal void of meaning, that we are the only things that care. Buddha said that suffering is life, sure, but that suffering is in our disappointment that nothing is watching us. Nothing is trying to make sure that you get home at night or that your kids don’t develop cancer. Nothing.” Beaux paused and looked at them all with a thoughtful expression. “Some will say that’s just my belief. Whether or not God is dead in your eyes doesn’t change that if we never tried to help those that are addicted nothing else would. Nothing is something. Its indifference by the universe and a physical emptiness we sense throughout. No one is going to help these people after they have been cured. Whether they have burned bridges in the past, if they have criminal records, or broken relationships, any of the typical life breakdowns that take place in an addicts life. No one will help them. Sure there will be exceptions, there will be those who transition just fine into their second chance. Others could wander the streets, hungry, and lost only now they are aware and feeling things again and they will enter a new struggle and remain just as damaged as they were before. So before I leave you tonight, I must ask all the world leaders, scholars, intellectuals and janitors in attendance to please give me a show of hands if you intend to make this work. If you will remove the pettiness of politics and the cynical, Darwinist worldview and please, please, do this right. I thank you.” Beaux gave a warm smile and slight nod again to Mrs. Dewith. “I promised you it wouldn’t be in vain Jamie,” she thought to herself before exiting the stage. 

Beaux walked quickly through the halls of the Bernard Hopkins Institute of Neurology and she was in a hurry to get back to the lobby and share this experience with the rest of her team who was ready to celebrate their triumph. They applauded her when she walked in. The five of them had spent the last four years working together on Webwax alone. “Hey boss.” Richie, her longest tenured member called to her. Her phone rang. She pulled it from her pocket.   
“This is Beaux.” She answered. “Hello Dr. Madelyn this is President Davis.” Beaux’s heart jumped in her throat. The President of the United States wanted to talk to her. She excitedly whispered this to her colleagues. They were all so excited and the room grew anxious. “Dr. Madelyn I am calling to congratulate you and your team on all of your hard work. I also wanted to let you know we have received your notes and we are already working on production of Webwax and the drug arcades.” Beaux’s smile fell. “Arcades? What is he talking about? What arcades?” She said to herself as the room shifted from anxious to tense. “I’m not sure what you are referring to.” “Didn’t Director Gardener tell you?” Beaux started to feel uneasy. Something was going on and she had a feeling she wasn’t going to like it. “I’m sorry Sir he has not.” There was a pause and Beaux could hear people in the background. “Well Dr. Madelyn I will tell you. We are setting up drug arcades throughout the world! People can now come into the arcade, take any of the drugs offered at the arcade and leave completely sober! It’s all thanks to you Dr. Madelyn.” Beaux became more and more angry as he spoke and explained the purpose of the arcade. This didn’t sound like anything she had in mind when she started Webwax. “If I may, Mr. President, how much will these arcades cost to fund?,” she said accidentally hissing at him as she struggled to remain calm. “Oh well we estimated about half a trillion dollars give or take. Nothing Extreme” Beaux slowly raised from her chair, her blood felt like it was boiling. “How much is budgeted for the mental health crisis that will follow?”, she asked in a rushed voice. He chuckled, “ It’s remained the same as it has always been Dr. Madelyn, we aren’t cutting anything.” Beaux lowered her voice to try to control her anger. “ You aren’t cutting anything? You mean no one budgeted a God damned thing for mental health and instead you assholes VOWED to spend at least a half a TRILLION dollars on making hard drugs fucking entertainment?!” She tried to remain calm but they took her work and Were going to turn it into money store. “Dr. Madelyn, you would do well to remember who you are speaking to. I assure you Dr. Madelyn you will be reimbursed very well for your discovery. The Institute will receive the check in a week.” Beaux felt like she was going to explode. “FUCK YOU!! FUCK all of you fucking LIARS! Do realize how terrifying this is going to be? Do you even realize what the FUCK you are doing?” The President cleared his throat.” Dr. Madelyn I am sorry you were misinformed of the intentions the United States government had for your work, however we do have this under complete control.” “Bullshit.” She seethed. “You lied to me. You lied to all of us. You lied and you know this is going to be hell for these people.” “Look Beaux, let’s just cut the shit right now. I don’t know if you have been made aware, but outside that lab of yours, the rest of the world is a business. We intend to operate as one going forward. If you have an issue with this I will gladly remind you that while your little medicine helps people that isn’t what life is all about. See Beaux you could map out the entire universe and learn everything there is to know. The next question will still be ‘now what?’, so please understand that no one is trying to save the world. No one is trying to live forever. So be thankful that you are on the right side of things. Have a blessed day Dr. Madelyn.” The phone clicked in her ear ending the call. Beaux stormed off alone. 

Meeting Elijah

Beaux walked in to the main auditorium of the Institute and took a middle seat in the front row. The stage lit up and a tall, dark haired man stepped out on the stage. He adjusted the mic and Beaux studied him for a moment. He was handsome she thought in a rough around the edges kind of way.   
“Hey everybody! My name is Elijah Redd! I’m happy to be here with all of you tonight. So I told my dad I was gay the other night and he really got in my ass about it.” Elijah paused and gave a deadpanned look to the audience. “nah my dad’s dead.” Something about his energy immediately made her forget about the drama with the President.  
He continued, “You know I have a small dick. Fact. Incredibly long balls but a short dong. I’m not asking for sympathy trust me, but I gotta confess, I hate it when big dick dudes ask for my sympathy.” Elijah took a sip of water. “I was getting drunk with some of my friends last night and the one with the big dick….yes, it’s obvious. Me and him in a room together for 5 minutes and I bet anyone in here could pick the one with the bigger dick. It’s the real skinny one just in case. But my big dicked friend recently went through a rough divorce. A real nasty one. So we are all sitting there getting wasted and he goes, ‘Hey E man, I don’t know how I’m gonna bounce back from this.’ I looked at him and said something that maybe in hindsight makes me kind of an asshole but I thought ‘oh well I have a small dick anyways’, so I said ‘Dude, are you fucking joking right now? You do you realize we all know your cock is huge right?’ and he goes ‘What the fuck do you mean man? I’m talking about my divorce. I lost my house, my dog, my nice ass car.’ I go ‘Did you recite all that while washing your big dick in the shower? Were you crying and saying, “I cant believe that bitch would be so heartless” and then look down to scrub your huge cock? I mean if you are telling me you’re unsure if you can find someone else to take your sad lonely gigantic cock then please as a favor to your friends, just go gay. Trust me I could definitely use less competition.’’, he continued in a rapid-fire pace. Beaux couldn’t believe how nasty he was or how well the crowd received it. Everyone was at a forceful and collective howl. She listened while Elijah continued, “and before I could even let it sink in, how much of an asshole I was to my friend, he says something that made it all just… just fine again.” He paused and his face went blank. “He stops crying and smiles. He says ‘You’re right E my dick is pretty big huh?’ with a smirk that to him meant I just helped out my best friend to rediscover his confidence, but to me, I was thinking ‘maybe I could have just let him be sad a little longer ya know? Maybe it would have been better for him. Instead of helping him feel better about his divorce maybe he could have gotten a major character boost by being all sad and shit.” Laughter continued filling the auditorium.   
“I’m not a pedophile everyone, just to make that clear first, but I might be a different version of one.” The crowd became silent. Elijah cleared his throat. “ What I mean by that is I don’t have an urge to fuck kids, but sometimes I get this deep, dark, almost uncontrollable urge …to punch a kid right in the fucking face. Anyone else dealing with these closeted feelings? A kid says to me ‘ You’re a fat guy.’ And BOOM! Ya know? I’m just saying cause sometimes kids get away with saying whatever is on their mind and it’s a problem. I mean just the other day my daughter’s friend came over to play with her and I’m on a rare date with a nice lady I met at a dirty bar. So I’m showing I’m this great dad and everyone is having fun, then this little shithead, seven years old, comes up to my daughter and before even saying hi to her he looks at me and says ‘ You stink.’ And right fucking there my urges came in full force. I mean I know it’s not right and he won’t even remember it but I will. Is that fair? I mean maybe I’m doin’ him a favor ya know? Just trying to be nice?” He switched topics immediately. “But no I smoke a lot of weed instead. Lots of it. I like how legal it’s becoming, I really do, but I just don’t buy this bullshit “its gonna save the world and make everyone happy”. Sure it makes stuff better. Like when I jack off, but there’s still gonna be kids in Africa going ‘We’re starving.’ While definitely making more 20 something white dudes in a fast food restaurant go ‘Duuuude, I’m starving.’, he rubbed his belly and snickered.  
“I’m not religious at all. You know what I think would really happen if Jesus came back? I think the bro would be crushed. Could you imagine how much shit the guy would get on Instagram? He would post shit like ‘help thy fellow neighboreth’ as the caption over a photo of him holding a door open for some old lady no one gives a fuck about. Oh man it’d be the worst. He’d get called soft so many damn times that instead of the return of the messiah it becomes ‘return of the next school shooter’. Beaux snapped out of her thoughtless joy and immediately became fixated on the security guards now entering the stage. “I cant stand people who think they are better than other people. I’m not trying to preach to anyone. I just think the concept is dumb as fuck. I had someone tell me in high school he was better than me because his parents made more money than mine. He couldn’t lift more weight than me in gym class but somehow I’d already lost to him because of his parents’ money. So fucking stupid. It got me thinking about meth heads.” The guards, now standing right beside him with one finger held up. “Like what if one of them won the lottery and they went to buy a set of false teeth? Could you imagine this meth head with one dangling half rotten and brown tooth in his face being a snob? I could see it now. He goes in and asks the dentist how long its going to take. He twitches really hard and sticks his nose up in disapproval, ‘ That wont do peasant, that wont do.’ Alright! Everyone! You were fantastic have a great night!” He waved to the crowd while being escorted off stage. She had to meet him she thought. She quickly went to the side of the stage he was being taken to. “ Alright alright pussies.”, he said as the guards finished scolding him and kicking him off the premises. Beaux had caught up to him at this point. “What did the gorillas say?”, she asked him. “That I’m banned for life for lewd commentary blah blah, bible belt, fucking who cares?? There’s more shows and those jokes killed in Cali. South Cali not north though, big difference. He said, sounding winded from the ordeal. “But hey Brad’s coming on you should go check him out.” He told her. “No thanks. Brad Armstrong? Yea I’ve hears his lame ass “jock” jokes, not my thing. Besides you’re actually funny and not trying to do it just to tell the world, “HEY I’M NOT JUST A MEATHEAD FIGHTER!!!!!” She flexes while doing her best “dumb-guy” voice. “Hahaha, oh my god you’re fucking right, I mean yea he can beat my ass but that doesn’t make him funny. He’s an asshat. Hard fucking worker, dickhead person.” Elijah said, suddenly fully invested in the conversation. “What’s your name?” he asks. “Beaux” she says with a huge toothy smile lighting up her face.  
“I’m the top neuroscientist at this place.” “Oh shit, that’s nuts! So you were why they dropped seventy-five grand on this whole show eh?” He replied. “First of all you cuss too much, and secondly, what in the hell do you mean seventy-five grand??” She remembered the president again and a flood of anger began to flow through her. “Yea me and Brad got twenty-five a piece as the headliners but I don’t know how much they paid the rest of the crew and the three local acts they brought in but I was told at least seventy-five k. But hey wanna kick it at my hotel since I’m kicked outta here?” He asked, with a goofy kind of charm she couldn’t be mad enough to miss. “Sure.” She smiled again and they began their walk. “So you’re a science lady eh?” He asks. “Scientist, you nerd and yes I’m very much a lady.” Replied Beaux. “So yea, those kids get more student loan debt so you could watch me tell dick jokes and get kicked out. Haha that blows.” Elijah says. “Hey, I’m not in the mood I just got screwed over by the President while trying to fucking HELP!” She covers her face in embarrassment for losing her composure yet again. “Hey whoa now, just calm down, it’s okay. Now you said the President? I mean wow I’m just some junkie comic and I’m talking to a real, useful professional, about her conflict with the president. Wow. PSA ads sure do work huh?” He said. As soon as he said “junkie” though, she immediately began to study him with more intent. “You’re a drug addict?” She asks. “Well yea but only heroin and shit.” He said, seemingly without remorse. “Wow you are a lucky bastard.” She smiles and says, then continues, “do you know what the presentation was about?” “No I was fucked up and Brad said something like “I think it’s some science shit we wouldn’t understand.” Which made me laugh but I don’t think he’s being serious because he’s smart enough to get a lot of that shit so maybe they really didn’t even tell him.” As he finished she begin to notice his hands trembling. “These are the hotels.” ,he says as they walk to a door with number “13” on the front. She was relieved it wasn’t a luxury hotel at least. She had to pull the plug quickly as she as she knew exactly what he would do after they got inside the room. “Here, if you fucking tell anyone I have this shit just remember, I know the President.” He turned around before inserting his door card and she realized something. “Wait… Are you in this cheaper hotel by yourself because the luxury ones over there require a code and you’d be too fucked up to remember it?” She asked him. “Yea obviously”, he said in a defensive tone. “You said you had something?” Right there she saw the addict in him. She could see the scared, dead look in his eyes. Then her grandmother’s face flashed in front Elijah’s. “Oh my god…..I mean, yes here….” She then looked down to her purse and begins searching for her vial of Webwax she had brought from the presentation. “Holy….” He says catching his voice volume before whispering, “Is that heroin Beaux?” “Yes. Its medical grade too. Have a blast. You have to mix it with your other stuff though, trust me on this.” It was bizarre to her to witness this in such a personal setting again. Not since her grandmother used to come home after leaving for “personal time” when her parents would relieve her from babysitting duty had she seen this. The sudden snap-back into partial reality from the doughy eyed look she would start to get in the late afternoon. It was like Elijah was focused but not on her. He was a slave it felt like, a zombie. They entered the room and as Beaux thought, he immediately headed for the bathroom. “I’ll be back in about fifteen minutes or so, just gotta get cleaned up” he lied. He went in and she waited silently on the hotel bed. She looked at the clock, it was nine forty-three. Rustling noises began to become audible from the bathroom. She hears a lighter clicking. Waiting with her thoughts was making her nervous. She’d never seen a non-patient cured before. Her eyes turn to the clock again, nine forty-seven. The bathroom door opens.

The Honeymoon

“What did you give me??!” Elijah says, looking down to study his arms. He lifts them up to get a sober look at his scabs. “I was hooked on heroin?” His face was as pale as a ghosts and he couldn’t make eye contact. “Please talk to me, tell me what’s happening, in our patients this part was definitely a bit jarring” Beaux said, standing up to get closer to him. “Jarring?! I saw someone pawn their kid for a single hit of heroin. Jarring? This is like waking up inside a crack house but never having done it.” He kept looking around but his eyes weren’t really looking at anything. “I was in the town my daughter lives in, but instead I went to look…,” he pauses, his entire body now shaking. Beaux could feel he was on the verge of bursting into tears. She embraced him. His words became muffled as his face hit her shoulder. “Heroin! I’m a great dad when she lets me fucking be one.” It was the first time he had cursed since they came into the hotel. “Hey, hey, hey just let this out, be strong. I know this is awfully strange Elijah but if you can trust me, I think you will embrace it in fact..” She decided to stop talking as he cried and she squeezed him as hard as she could. Nothing much was left to say, Beaux urged him to lay in bed as he continued crying. Shortly thereafter he fell asleep and she decided to sleep herself.

“Beaux is my OCD going to come back?” She immediately opened her eyes. “Is what?” She asked. “My OCD, not the cleaning thoughts kind but the intrusive, dark thoughts kind? Like am I going to see a pattern somewhere, split it into counting the points of some vague reference point, six times but counting to “f” six times but in six sets and never being able to finish counting it kind of thoughts. Those coming back?” She was surprised at how fresh he sounded. “Its possible, this stuff doesn’t help cure mental illnesses. Are you okay?” He sat up on the bed, “it doesn’t matter I’m gonna go call my kid.” “You have a kid?” Beaux asked. “Yea, she’s perfect, but her mom and I hate each other.” He said. “Was it the drugs?” She asked. “No. She burned me a bunch of times and didn’t take my parenting or career very seriously. So now I’m on the road all the time and she gets to see her every day. My daughter loves me but she likes her mom more. So I guess her mom won. I don’t care, its just a problem when we talk about the kid now. I feel guilty though, like I abandoned her or something for this. Someone has to show her to dream , but I’m done talking about it.” He finished. “Sorry”, she said. “When’s your next show?” “Oh I actually got a week off now.” He answered. “Really? Hmmmmm well our team has a scheduled vacation week so, not to be too forward but would you like to keep me company?” “Wow”, he looked and smiled. “Yea that’s a good idea, its incredibly strange right now.” They spent a week together even deciding to go see his daughter. He was surprisingly headstrong for what had just happened she thought.  
On the final day of that week, his pre-addict mental condition became obvious. They hadn’t slept together or been any kind of affectionate besides flirty and compassionate but the chemistry between them was definitely there. It was an odd match she felt somewhat responsible for. “Yea I like sports, I almost tried out for football in high school.” “Haha” he laughed. “What? Cause I’m a lady? I would have been damn good. Bet I could take you out right now.” She said half serious. “So what about trans people then. Are you a closet homophobe?” She asked him. “No I’ve dated and fucked a trans person before. I’m bi. Plenty of dicks in my past.” He said with a sly smile. “Whoa” she said with a slight chuckle. “So I love’em but I think everyone is just going crazy about shit now. You might not see it but a three hundred pound linebacker destroying you for a tackle is a pretty fucked up way to be equals. This whole “there’s no difference “ philosophy makes no since because all the trans people I fucked definitely were transitioning into something different. I think what they mean is internally they are a already a female but that’s not helping idiots gain any clarity. I just think this whole battle of the sexes and the orientations stuff gets a little beyond the original point. It’s not about becoming a team it’s about, “that side should get to be number one instead.”, type of deal. We missed the point.” She looked at him and said “You’re kind of weird Elijah.” “Oh I know” he said back. “So why talk about all this crazy stuff, like pedophiles and stuff?”, She asked him. He cleared his throat, “Because, why don’t people think nature would mistakenly put a girl in a boy’s body? How is that hard to believe? Nature fucks up constantly. To answer why about pedos specifically, that’s because both my parents were molested by those pieces of shit. OCD has weird intrusive thoughts, but they aren’t urges to actually do anything. It feels like Satan is heckling you with his decay. The thoughts manifest as this distracting narrative on what a cesspool the universe is. If I’m annoying or crazy or weird I don’t fucking care. Nothing is as crazy or weird or even as violent as the universe is. When I look at someone with love, my mind might attack me with a gruesome image of their face rotted. It might say, “you literally could stab them in the face right now. Aren’t you a bad person for even thinking this stuff?” And it wont shut up nor does it even urge me to do it, its like it just wants to punish me for shit I have nothing to do with. It forces me to face the bleak, dark reality of things that everyone else gets to run from. When my family would ignore the fact that my aunt molested my mom and simply say nothing about it, I realized people are cowards. In fact, I remember waiting in the car outside of my Great Aunt’s house while my mom went in to confront her about it as an adult. Well, she just came back to the car and said she forgave the aunt. Five years later everyone hears about that same aunt and her husband fucking my cousin. Again, no one did shit. My jokes are a way to deal with how everyone else gets to hide. Imagine what it means to be god but not in a self righteous way. Imagine you as everything, infinite and omnipresent. Ok, for some reason you would always maintain the existence of waste. Now imagine you make billions of giant, beautiful stars. You would still have to maintain a trashy parking lot littered with used needles and a dead dog. Now imagine if it goes somewhere. A final evolution if you will. It’s a perfected product. Ok well that perfection still invented rape, murder, pedophilia, shit, piss, mental retardation, and disease. God, the universe, whatever you want to call it, cant handle perfection. If someone screams and no one is around to hear them, did they still scream? The sad truth is yes. Me and that negligence don’t get along or agree on anything which is why I accept my mortality.” Beaux immediately chimes in, “Hmmmm you talk too much.” “Hahaha I think I love you” He says. “Wha…?!” Beaux exclaims. He continued to explain “But it’ll never work.” “Why?” Beaux was interested in hearing his reasoning. “Ok well you didn’t say it back first of all, and then I’m….” “I love you too.” Beaux stated, smiling at him. He smiles with a slight smirk. “Why are you looking at me like that” she asked. “Well I’m happy its mutual but like I said it’ll never work. I’m always on the road and eventually the honeymoon fades and you’ll realize I’m too messy for you.” He said, looking down at the floor rather than making eye contact with her. “I’m not a child Elijah, this works for me, at least enough to try. Now come fuck me.” They made love before retiring for the evening. A flower had grown through a crack in the cement it seemed. But like Elijah said, the honeymoon would eventually end.

“How was your show? How you feeling?”, Beaux asked him. “It was ok, I tried out a new joke about how I don’t agree that rock should be beaten by paper.”, he smiled. “In rock, paper, scissors?” “Yea! Have you ever tried to wrap a rock with a piece of paper? It fucks it up.” “Haha you nerd.”, she laughed. “Yea but the crowd was meh to it. They made me feel like my sobriety was making me write dad jokes now before I tried my joke where I go, “why don’t pedos just nag midgets instead?” She laughed. “But I’m actually doing very well. My kid called me last night and we had a good talk. You?”, he asked her. “That’s great! I’m fine. I just hate politics, they are sooooo boring and irritating.”, Beaux rubbed her temples. “Yea? Hey I gotta be honest, these drug arcades are a weird thing. They got commercials for them and everything. One of them was saying how, “Ever said no to drugs? Well STOP! Yea you heard me right! Starting this month we will be opening the first ever “drugcade” where you can get crazy….guilt free!” “Ok, ok I’ve heard enough.”, she was still pissed about the whole thing. “Sorry, it’s just insane going from shooting heroin to watching the “to-do” type encourage me to do so when I’m sober.” Elijah said. “Yea I know I’m actually getting ready for this conference we got scheduled for me to protest them and ask for mental health reform” Beaux told him. “Oh damn. Yea and the Cartels are going crazy. Haha looks like Columbia might start a war. You stole their business Beaux.”, he chuckled. “Yea I figured shit like this would happen. Ugh. Have you been able to see anything else? Its been two days back at work and I’ve had no time for anything else but studying these laws and so on.” “Sounds boring. Yea I mean there’s a ton of “god” commercials now trying to tell people who are cured they can go find comfort in Jesus. Haha, so you brought religion back to power too.” “Oh fuck!”, she exclaimed. “Yea I mean its actually fucking chaos out here babe. I mean there’s a bunch of lost looking people just walking around. Brad’s dumbass is just taunting them, shouting “PUSSY!” when they wall by. He’s a narrow.” “Yea fuck him. He’s annoying .” “Well I guess he thinks of it like “Well, I had a great life what would you prefer I acted like I didn’t?” And I just think “eh well two sides of the same douche really. I mean there’s not being a narrow-minded dickwad. But he’s such an elitist he wont listen I’m sure.” “Yea tough love and exercise cured your OCD just like its helping all these homeless people. Dumbshit. Anyways besides Mr. Earths Bitch are you sure you’re going to be ok?”, she asked with a worried look. “Yea babe I’m sure. Mr. Earths Bitch? What does that mean?” “It means I’ve been hanging around you too much first and second, it means he’s a redundant primate. He sees survival of the fittest and all that as how nature is cool and not a total dipshit. He kind of tries to encourage natures cold indifference to its creation. Like I think nature is clearly a dumbshit who put a bunch of animals on a rock with no food and said “fight to the death” but since he is a rare example of that working out for someone he thinks that means everyone else is just fucking it up and making nature look bad. He’s really a dumbass in the worst way. A great example of how success can make someone a narrow dickhead.”, she explained. “Damn Beaux…” “I’m just saying, he pretends to be all deep and shit but he is really just amusing himself with “lessers” from his throne. A fucking idiot honestly and someone who makes success look borderline evil.”, she shrugged. “Wow its really getting to you huh Babe?” Elijah asks. “I’m just tired of people who cant handle success without being a condescending dickwad and being obsessed over other peoples perceived “weaknesses.” Which is exactly why these idiots are prolly gonna win out.”, she sighed. “Oh don’t be down sweets I believe in you!”, he said to her. “Thanks hun and I know this is kinda fast but I love you and I’ll talk to you later. Oh also I feel kinda sick, did you contract anything while an addict?” “I love you too and no I did not I got checked out a couple weeks ago actually cause I got some dope from a dirty ass house which got me paranoid as hell.” He told her. “Ok well, be safe and be good. Call me tomorrow morning?” “Deal.” They hung up. He turned to go back into the comedy club and his phone rang again. It was his ex, Maya. “Yea hey I heard about you coming to town three weeks ago and not stopping by.” She says to him in a rather prickly tone. “Yea I know I felt like shit about it, I was high as fuck but I’m totally sober now, you know that.” He said. “Well I think you still need to take some time to think about it. Don’t call or bother showing up for at least a month.” She said with a childish sass. “Fuck this shit! You’re so damn controlling I…..” The phone hung up in his ear. “FUCKING GODDAMNIT!” he screamed, clinching his phone angrily in his fist. He turned to go in the club again but this time he noticed a crack in the door. He kept walking but the crack in the door slowed him down. It caught his attention and he began to dwell on it. “No way, its coming back.” He mumbled to himself. He went to the bathroom to collect himself but didn’t stay long, he had to go get a look at the crack again for this pattern he was now obsessed with making. Going back outside timidly and then trying to act like he accidentally went the wrong away, he caught a glimpse the crack. “Six, five,one…..done…..damnit I cant go look again, six five one six five one, four three two, four three two, six five one…” he was stuck. The OCD had come back and he was now nervous and becoming withdrawn into his own thoughts. “three six one, two four five, three six, three six, oh my god no, one three six, two four five…” “Hey E I heard your girl was crying about the President not wanting to babysit.” It was Brad, the last person he wanted to see.  
“I don’t wanna talk right now man.” Elijah told him. “Alright then, later.” He began to analyze his relationship with Brad now. “You know he has to be a dick because he’s a strong motherfucker and if you go for that strength there can’t be any hesitation. He would get killed doing what he does if he let his guard down. I just wish he knew guys like him mislead others. Like me, being bi and having gay thoughts in school, guys, especially when they are younger, are ruthless. But they can also be dangerous in a bad kind of way for someone like me. I had no one supporting me having gay thoughts in my family. I never told them. You also feel pretty strongly that the world is telling you don’t belong in this species which on a very basic level, makes gaining confidence very difficult. I’m literally attacking myself constantly with self hate for having these thoughts and this guy comes along and encourages those exact same feelings. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the strongest, it’s only a problem when you act like the world needs to bend to your will to make it happen. Then you get crazy fuckers who are even more fucked than me and they hear that, “Yo faggot!” type shit and then they go play with guns. I mean he is beating his inner bitch while encouraging me to kill my inner self. Its selfish. I know he means well and shit but it’s definitely hard to remember sometimes. Oh no! I’ve been in my fucking head this entire time.” He thought, now completely backed into a corner of his mind. The patterns didn’t let up and neither did his obsessing over them. Beginning to grow irritable he started to doubt, irrationally, his situation with Beaux. As the night wore on his mental isolation got worse and his irrational doubt began to grow into full-on defensiveness. Grabbing his phone he texted her to reach out but he knew as he was doing it he was going to risk losing trust with her. “I can’t stop thinking about all that heroin I was doing. I don’t even crave it and I have no idea why I ever did it. Maybe I’m just an idiot. Maybe I’m just tired. You know what she will probably leave me if my OCD takes over like this…..fuck. I’m not just a junkie though. Ugh.” His phone was in his hand and he brought up her name and started the message screen. “You know what pisses me off about how people looked at drug addiction before? They say “why would someone throw away their lives for 30 minutes of nirvana?” But they never say how long it takes to feel like you’ve never wasted your life. Maybe if you were moved by the holy spirit for ten fucking minutes you might think it’s worth it to spend your whole life preaching about it. You might get to the top of the world one time and then for how long do you get to keep it? How long does your rank last? Yea fuck you for thinking I’m stupid for finding a way to achieve the same heights you do for a fraction of the work.” Tapping send and then anxiously typed another, with the same defensive tone as the first, “That’s not just it either. People always talk about rock bottom and how pathetic and miserable you have to admit you are before you can accept help and get better. Why the fuck do sober people with feet and fart fetishes get to judge me as lesser before I’m allowed to accept their help and get better? Did you ever notice the condescending demeanor of those fucks? Look I might have been a desperate, pathetic, and selfish drug addict but I never once needed to feel better than someone else for a high.” Tapping send again. Immediately he regretted bothering her. Knowing this was OCD taking over again he decided to go approach Brad. “Brad you’re such an annoying douchebag bro.” “ Really? What’s your problem buddy?” Brad responded. “Yea the Ol' condescending ‘buddy' look dipshit I know you’re motivated and disciplined and successful and you could easily beat my ass. But here we are on the same fucking stage together and you have the self serving ego enough to where you’d talk shit about my girlfriend to my face, with no care in the world. You know what tough guys like you and soft hearts like Beaux have in common? Neither one of you roots for weak people to become strong. She wants to feel good about herself by other people changing into something else. You don’t think their lives matter until they are something else. She offers the world to help them you offer nothing and neither one of you had to go through the struggles I did with shit and my mental problems and still root for this weak piece of shit to be something.” he said while pointing to himself, “ If I listened to Beaux I’d be a baby, if I listened to you I’d be a fucking monster. There’s no in between. As for your end of that spectrum let me respond to your life philosophy, no an insensitive world isn’t a better one. Now go enjoy the crowd of losers in the audience who makes you relevant and fuck off!” he finished before storming away. Without hesitating he walked to the bar portion of the club. He was crumbling under this pressure. It felt like he had developed OCD for the first time again which is when it is the strongest. “Yea I’d like a triple shot of that 120 proof whiskey. Thanks.”

Beaux’s Surprises

Beaux was running late, five minutes but that was far too behind to her. She had to get to her doctor appointment before work and didn’t have time to read Elijah’s text messages. While back at the club Brad was waiting at the bus for Elijah. “Hey everybody I’m just gonna go find out what’s up with him, this is bullshit. You know the room?” Brad got the info and when he arrived at the door he began to knock. “Hey E, come on man get your shit together its time to go!” Silence. He kept knocking, “E! You’re pissing me off man come on!” It was an important date they had next up so he decided a broken door was worth getting Elijah. “Hey man I’m kicking this shit down, Vegas is big time money for everyone and you’re not gonna fuck this up.” Bracing his legs he did a running jump kick that blew the door completely open. Although he didn’t find a nodded off Elijah like he assumed he would. No , instead Brad found blood and brains splattered over the majority of the room. Elijah’s eyes were laying in the back of his head while the top of his skull was completely gone, exposing his skull and the veins that laced through it. His mouth open and tongue dangling, Elijah had shot himself in the head after leaving the club drunk. “No! Noooooooo! You were supposed to relapse not die. Holy shit! Wait he was cured what the hell? Why did he do this!!” He collapsed to the floor putting his face in his palm but didn’t cry. No answer came to mind, Elijah was dead, his brains now partially covering his ringing cell phone. “That crazy fuck, I knew he had a shotgun to deal with tricky dealers or if shit went south but this is insane. Why??? WHY?!” screaming as tears began to run down he face. The phone continued to ring. “Oh no, its Beaux. Shit.” He wiped his eyes and collected himself, then he pressed the answer key. “Hello?” he said as if the roach crawling through the crevice in Elijah’s skull were a mere illusion. It was the only way to handle this with any dignity. Someone he actually thought of as his friend even though they didn’t always get along, was now dead and there was nothing he could do. “Yea is this Brad?” Beaux asked, sounding very concerned. “Yes this is him.” He said back calmly. “Is Elijah ok? He sent me some text messages last night but I didn’t get a chance to read them until now. I’m kind of concerned, is he ok?” “Beaux I’m sorry….” He paused to push back the tears before continuing, “E’s dead Beaux. He shot himself.” “No! He didn’t! This is some kind of fucked up asshole prank of yours, he wouldn’t do that, he doesn’t even have a gun! What happened?” Beaux was nervous now. She wasn’t sure whether to believe him but that turned out to be denial. “ I don’t care if you two like me,” he began explaining. “I’m trying to validate appreciating myself, in spite of being a speck of dust in a cosmic wasteland. I don’t want to just howl at the void I want to punch that motherfucker in the throat and make it bleed stars. I want to be everything. But see that’s where the problem is. I cant be everything, because everyone else is also everything. So I need you to know, I didn’t want for this to happen. I’ll work it off, I’ll get past it I’ll survive but that doesn’t mean that in this moment I don’t understand the fragile beauty of knowing another human being. I’m sorry you lost someone you love and I truly hope I did nothing to sway him to the wrong side of universe’s balance. But if I did I’m sorry.” And he hung up the phone. Turning to his left he saw a note next to Elijah’s guitar he brought out only when he was down, Brad remembered. It read; “I have no purpose. I realize I have wasted not only my first chance at life but now my second. I just don’t believe I have the energy to go smell the flowers at my cemetery. I’m sorry to Beaux, Brad, my agent, and everyone who has helped throughout my life. But I’m mostly sorry to my daughter, Evelyn. I love you and daddy didn’t do this because of you. Daddy still loved you more than the whole wife world. Daddy just still has to die alone. I’m sorry. I really am. Goodbye.” Brad began to cry a little. Then he got mad. Then he left the room to call for an ambulance. It would be the hardest call he’d ever had to make.

After Beaux had hung up with Brad her phone rang again. It was the doctors office. “Ms. Madelyn?” “Yes this is her.” “The test results show a balanced cell count and a no signs of anything abnormal. Except for one thing. Your hormones tested pretty high. Ms. Madelyn, you’re pregnant.” She fell through floor without moving an inch. Her brain in an attempt at self preservation, went blank. The first thought of what this meant as a whole was enough to feel Elijah’s death twice. She went numb. Shock. There was no composure left, only manners and formalism practiced through years and years and that could be done in her sleep. “Ok. Thank you Dr. Greg, you have a good day.” “Thank you. And congratulations.” He said. She heard him but was only interested in the end of the call. Then she picked up her phone to call Elijah. It rang twice and she remembered again. “Nothing can save of us from chaos” a voice crept up in her head. “Nothing is nothing. You tried And failed” it said. She fell to her knees and begin to cry. “Enjoy your fucking progress Beaux. I hope its worth it.”


End file.
